One Year Later.....

Today is that dreaded day...February 19th. What happened last year on this day? My mom died. The ultimate worst day of my life. So where am 1 year later? I'll just say that 2006 would have ultimately sucked if it were not for Mason being born. Some might say, losing a parent is just a part of life. Those that know me really well know how close I was with my mom. She wasnt just my mom, but my best friend, my walking buddy, shopping friend, she helped me with work, kept me company, she encouraged me in every aspect of my life.
I go thru phases I guess, sometimes i rejoice in her life, othertimes I'm angry about losing her. now having this beautiful baby boy, alot of times i just feel robbed. I know she's always there, but it isnt the same as having her here. I know here I go being selfish again, i know she suffered the last month of her life, but she was so YOUNG. I dont like being apart of the "Mom-without-a-Mom" Club, and I never would have expected to join it in my 20's! You're not supposed to bury a parent until your kids are older. I still feel like there's this big hole in my life, and in our family. I guess it'll never go away, maybe with time it'll get easier, I just feel like 1 year later, I'm at the same place I was last year. I cry about her everyday still, maybe its the hormones, maybe its just me being emotional. There was a Grey's Anatomy episode a few weeks back, and 'George' said something about his dad dying that I'll never forget- "I don't know how to exist in a world where my dad doesnt", and I can completely relate regarding my Mom. The only thing that keeps me positive is that I know Mason was a blessing from her, she knew how hard it was/is for me without her, and I know she wanted to make me smile everyday. It's also reassuring knowing how strong she was in her faith, and I know God welcomed her into heaven & rewarded her with a beautiful place there! I think he also gave her a wonderful new job- She has 2 grandbabies that she has to watch over & they will definitely keep her busy!